The Health Institute of Nutrition

We hear a lot about “self-esteem” these days, but what is it? More importantly, what does it mean to you as a person?

Like anything else that ever existed anywhere in the entire world, the answer depends on whether you are thin or fat.

In thin people (sometimes known as “people of value”), the presence of self-esteem can be relatively benign, or even beneficial. A certain level of self-esteem is often associated with the ability to face the world with a smile, meet the challenges of the day, and a just plain fantastic feeling from the head down to the toes.

While extremely elevated self-esteem levels have been linked to overconfidence and general cockiness, these conditions are rarely fatal outside of certain high-risk professions. The bottom line is that a little self-esteem is generally healthy for the thin.

For fat people, though, the dangers of even a little bit of self-estem are severe. A fat person who suffers the effects of self-esteem may experience any of the following associated symptoms:

• Drastically reduced downward mobility.
• Failure to conform to society’s expectations.
• A strange euphoric sensation approximating the feeling thin people know as “happiness.”
• Delusions of attractiveness, often shared by those around them.
• A serious condition known as Insult Resistance.

Those who suffer from Insult Resistance are unable to gain the full benefit of being told that they are fat and worthless. In the most extreme cases, the fat person’s body may reject labels entirely. If the condition spreads to the brain, it’s only a matter of time before negative lines of thought begin shutting down as fast as they can start up. When this happens, it’s usually too late to reverse the damage.

Unlike obesity itself, there is no proven cure for self-esteem, so prevention is the key. Look for risk factors in your environment. Some are obvious:

• The availability of fashionable, comfortable clothing in plus sizes.
• Proliferation of fat role models in the media, including overweight American Idol winners and films such as Hairspray.
• Misguided laws and office policies which attempt to extend human rights to fat people.

…and perhaps less obvious, but the most dangerous:

• Simple, basic courtesy.

The Institute cannot stress enough that things like nice clothes and positive role models are all relatively harmless or even slightly beneficial for thin people, but severely damaging for fat people.

Also remember that if you have children who are overweight—or even look like they might become overweight—then it’s never too soon to start working on the double danger of weight and self-esteem.

Unfortunately, while fatness has many obvious and easy cures which work the same for everybody, the inherent laziness and sloth of even a fat child make it difficult for those obvious and easy cures to be successfully applied. There’s good news, though… when applied early enough, those same techniques have an almost 100% success rate in preventing self-esteem.

In some cases, the effects last a lifetime.

The above article has been certified as Nutri-Logically sound by The Health Institute of Nutrition’s Board of Scienterrific Excellence. Results not typical.

Article highlights:

• Self-improvement is not worth it if other people can’t see and judge the results.
• Your clothes may make you look overweight even if you’re not.
• A chiseled, well-defined clavicle can be a “thin signal” that lets people know you have value, no matter what you wear.

Steps To Take:

1. Ladies, before you go out, ask yourself: are my shoulders thin enough to be shown in public? If you suspect the answer may be “no”, please consider buying a concealing wrap or burqa, or else stay indoors until you’re more presentable.
2. Despite the clear importance of this area in personal beauty and therefore worth, there are currently no clavicle-enhancing drugs or surgeries on the market. Write your local multinational pharmaceutical conglomerate and petition them to address this serious need.

Article highlights:

• Advanced training allows doctors to diagnose fat people’s real problem the moment they walk through the door.
• Skilled medical practitioners may also be able detect a wide range of other failings, including laziness and stupidity, at a glance.
• Treatments of fat patients are often so successful, the patient never sees a doctor again.

Steps To Take:

1. If you are a fat person, be sure to choose a physician who is aware of your size and its dire implications about you as a person. If your doctor fails to comment on your weight within five minutes of arriving, he may have poor eyesight. If he offers to treat the problem you came in with instead of telling you to stop eating doughnuts, he may not be a real doctor.

2. If you are a thin person, be aware that when you go to a doctor, you may be forced to suffer through an actual examination and then be subjected to a course of treatment which can include prescription drugs and even—in extreme cases—surgery. Unlike a fat person, your problems are complex and do not have an easy solution.

For Immediate Release

MeMe Roth is best known as founder/president of the group National Action Against Obesity. NAAO is in many ways the spiritual forebear of our own Institute. According to its website, its mission statement is:

“To totally not just be a lone woman acting out against the world as an extension of an unhealthy obsession with hanging on to her idealized thin body as a symbol of vanished youth itself, forgotten dreams, and lost potential that can never be regained.”

With the sort of dedication and perseverance Ms. Roth continues to show in the face of even the worst facts that are thrown at her by her mean-spirited opponents, that goal will be achieved any year now.

Ms. Roth has tirelessly campaigned to bring the good facts about health and nutrition to a nation whose obese are so often endangered by crippling levels of self-esteem and personal pride. Yet, despite often appearing on television in close proximity to many highly trained medical type people, Ms. Roth has no actual credentials to back up her highly scienterrific claims.

This almost criminal oversight ends today when the Institute extends a warm invitation to Ms. Roth to receive a Doctor of Involvement degree** for her kind participation in so many medical-like discussions. The honor is to be conferred upon her in a public ceremony with acting NAAO vice president MeMe Roth, secretary MeMe Roth, and treasurer MeMe Roth also in attendance.

Though seating at the ceremony is limited, a total of ten NAAO members selected at random have also been invited: MeMe Roth, MeMe Roth, MeMe Roth, MeMe Roth, MeMe Roth, MeMe Roth, Julia Havey, MeMe Roth, and MeMe Roth, with another person to be named later.

After the ceremony, guests will be treated to a filtered water and calcium supplement buffet.

* Results not typical.

**As with all of life’s accomplishments, this prestigious award will be revoked if at any point the recipient reveals that she can no longer fit into her wedding dress.

Potatoes: The Silent Killer

Would you let your child eat an explosive device? Probably not. If your child cracked open a battery and consumed the contents, you would probably call poison control.

Yet if your child ate a potato, would you even think twice?

Think about it: thousands of children and college students across the country have enjoyed blowing up potatoes in microwaves. Chemical energy stored within them is used in elementary school science experiments to power clocks and other small electronic devices.

That chemical energy? It’s called starch. Starch is a carbohydrate, a word which comes to us from Greek. Note the presence of the word “hydra” in the middle there. In Greek myth, the hydra was a dragon-like serpent with multiple heads who could not be killed. This is all you have to know about carbohydrates.

Some people will tell you that starch is healthier than sugar, but in fact, your body will naturally break starch down into sugar. That’s right. You can avoid sugar your whole life and be killed by the sugar which you get from starch.

Insidious.

Here’s a good fact: a nationwide dependence on potatoes as a food source in Ireland directly led to one million deaths between 1845 and 1849 and led to many more grossly obese people fleeing the country for the distant, then-healthy shores of America.

Unfortunately, these new “Irish-Americans” brought their fondness for potatoes and godless idolatry with them. For years, America was able to keep obesity at bay through discriminatory hiring practices and the occasional pogrom, but Ireland’s deadly little secret is now firmly entrenched in our national eating habits. These are the same potatoes we use today in everything from French fries to potato chips to baked potatoes to cream of potato soup.

Potatoes, when used in conjunction with combustible materials and an airtight tube, can be turned into deadly projectiles. States such as Texas, New York, and California already have laws on their books dealing with the use of potatoes as a weapon but not one state or city in the country regulates the use of this deadly root as a food.

Stop and think about that. This is something that we know is dangerous—so dangerous that we have to pass laws to keep it from being used as a weapon—yet we allow ourselves and our children to eat them?

A potato is a deadly projectile, just like a bullet. If you serve your children potatoes, you are putting a bullet in their mouths.

Steps To Take

1. Go to your freezer and take out all frozen tater tots, french fries, hash browns, and other potato products. Dispose of them by burning so as not to poison the ecosystem.
2. Cancel all travel plans to Idaho and boycott all Idaho-based industries. Write letters to each one to explain your decision. Be sure to compare them to Nazis and the potato industry to the Holocaust to make sure they get the point.
3. When your server in a restaurant asks if you’d like a baked potato or french fries for your side, press assault charges or else they will never learn.
4. Write to your legislators and urge them to pass laws banning Irish immigrants from our shores.
5. Potatoes can be tricky. Did you know that traditional Russian vodka is made from potatoes? Check the label of all your vodka bottles carefully. If it’s distilled from whole grains, it is safe to drink. If it’s genuine potato vodka, dispose of it and call your doctor.

The above article has been certified as Nutri-Logically sound by The Health Institute of Nutrition’s Board of Scienterrific Excellence. Results not typical.

Please leave your cupcakes at the door.

“Fat Acceptance” has been making quite a splash in the media everywhere. It’s in the New York Times, it’s in the Chicago Tribune, it’s even on cable morning shows. Quite frankly, it’s all around us. Worse, preliminary information indicates that it may have infiltrated the internet.

Yes, that’s right. The two biggest sources of unsupervised education opportunities for your children—cable television and the internet—have been completely taken over by a veritable army of women who will tell them it’s OK not to hate yourself if you’re overweight.

What’s more, they don’t want other people to hate fat people, either.

All that stands in the way of this dangerously subversive group is the fashion industry, the pharmaceutical companies, the weight loss industry, the carefully cultivated self-loathing of fat people themselves, and ten thousand years of patriarchal thinking. How can our lovingly entrenched ideas about health and beauty hope to survive the onslaught from the well-organized “bloggers” of the so-called “Fatosphere”?

Only be getting organized ourselves. Hard as it may be to believe, there are decent, fat-fearing folks out there who still believe in the power of a Size 0 waist. The problem is that these people are scattered all over the place: in magazines, in tabloid newspapers, at fashion shows, on billboards, on TV, teaching your children in school, writing romantic comedies, administering medical care, designing toys for girls, coming up with and selling great new drugs… how can all these diverse individuals representing “Fat Avoidance” possibly come together into a single unified force?

The answer is by joining them together in a single institution… and that is where The Health Institute of Nutrition comes in. Our goal is to see the “Fat Avoidance” institutionalized at all costs. When facts fail us, we get new ones. When the scientific world doesn’t meet our needs, we go beyond it into the realm that can only be called “scienterrific!”

America, The Health Institute of Nutrition is not just here for you… we’re also here for your children. Especially if you’re fat. Don’t you know how irresponsible that is? Stick around… you’ll soon find out.