The Health Institute of Nutrition

Since we made the mistake of mentioning from a regretable piece by a HuffingtonPost contributor, we’ve been seeing quite a lot of traffic coming our way via trackback.

If you are visiting us via that site, welcome! On the off chance that you don’t feel like getting all your advice on your body’s nutritional needs and physical health from a therapist/soap opera extra who feels “fear of being dangerously sexy” is the sort of problem the average woman can relate to, we hope you’ll stick around. You might want to visit our About Page to get some idea what we’re all about. Pay close attention to what we have to say about our detractors in the Fat Acceptance movement.

We strongly urge you to not click on any of the links listed under “Pages To Avoid”, as they will do absolutely nothing to help you hate your fat body and will not teach you anything about blaming yourself for being unable to lose weight permanently. Some will go so far as to claim that health, respect, love, and even physical romance can be yours regardless of your body shape and size. Stay far away.

Attention! This is an Institute Action Alert!

---

An awful prankster by the name of Irene Rubaum-Keller has written a hurtful and damaging post designed to make the noble and venerable weight loss movement seem ridiculous, backwards, and out-of-touch with reality.

In her piece, which seems on the surface to be pro-weight loss and anti-fat, she takes widely accepted good facts like “fat people are unhealthy and unattractive” and phrases them in such a bluntly straightforward fashion that they look absolutely ridiculous. Even though they’re not.

And, just in case there was any doubt that these good facts are being applied with maliciously satirical attempt, the premise of her article makes it clear: fat people have a hard time losing weight because they are afraid to be thin, as their fat protects them from being emotionally hurt and their friends and family do everything they can to discourage weight loss.

Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you that if fat people are protected from emotional pain than we, you, and the entire weight loss and fitness industries have been wasting a tremendous amount of time dishing it out. And to give credit where credit is due, the same goes for the friends and families of most fat people. Family members have been our greatest allies, historically, when it comes to shaming the fat.

Remarkably, this is true even when—or perhaps especially when—those family members are fat, too.

Dear readers, we all know that no matter what studies come out or how much evidence is compiled, gaining weight or losing it is all a matter of calories… it’s as simple as that… but this woman makes that viewpoint look just plain silly with her over-the-top lampoon of the unexamined assumptions which form the bedrock of our culture.

Simply put, this cannot stand. There is a comment form on this spurious “article”. The Institute suggests you use it. While normally we prefer not to reach out to fat people for fear of giving the impression that we are offering some kind of treat, we ask any such individuals who happen to be reading this to go to HuffingtonPost and comment on the article with your particular life experiences so that any uninformed observer can see Ms. Rubaum-Keller’s tasteless practical joke for what it is, and not mistake it for anything representative of reality.

Many people say there’s no “silver bullet” that will magically slay the ravenous monster that is the Obesity Epidemic, but the lawmakers of one state may just prove otherwise. They found their solution in the unlikeliest of places: the history books.

That’s right… the state of Mississippi is preparing to dust off an old, long-forgotten* standby: segregation!

Some people say its time has passed. In fact, this year marks the 40th anniversary of the landmark Supreme Court decision which ruled that it was no longer necessary to segregate the races. However, the institution which was so memorably used to manage race relations in America for a century after its predecessor, slavery, was abolished is now being turned into another tool to help fight America’s most unsightly menace.

Under the terms of House Bill 282, certain restaurants would be required to weigh prospective customers as they entered. Anybody who is found to be overweight, as determined by a group of actual government officials, could not legally be served.

How will this cure the Obesity Crisis in the oh-so-aptly-named “Hospitality State”?

In layman’s terms, the active ingredient in this “policy pill” is a can’t-miss combination of good old-fashioned public humiliation and the exclusion of certain arbitrarily designated categories of food. Either one of these is obviously enough to permanently melt the pounds like wickedly fatty butter, as anybody who’s ever shamed a fat person or seen one on a diet can attest. Combine the two approaches together and they become–scienteriffically speaking–unstoppable.

We at the Institute applaud Mississippi Representatives W. T. Mayhall, Jr., Bobby Shows, and John Read for their visionary backward-looking stance. Once this law has proven that segregation can be just as effective a public policy tool today as it was forty years ago, who knows what use some enterprising lawmaker will put it towards next? The strength of a system like this is obvious: each time a group of people is successfully disenfranchised, it becomes easier to move forward with the next group as there’s less people left to protest.

The possibilities are truly limitless. in Mississippi, a state that has long been all but synonymous with the word “progress”, we may be looking at the beginning of a new golden age where people of “discriminating” tastes no longer have to put up with any unpleasant sorts.

---

* Results not typical

Reuters: “Fat People Who Don’t Know They’re Supposed To Die Live On In Ignorance”

Article Highlights:

• Ignorant, poorly-educated fat people fail to develop the health problems their fatness makes necessary.
• Problem particularly widespread among African-Americans, who as a group have often failed to stigmatize fatness properly.

Steps To Take

1. Write your legislators and demand more funding for stigmatizing obesity in inner city schools.
2. Reach out to the overweight African-American community. Tell them that they are unattractive and destined for an early grave.
3. If you are an overweight Caucasian woman, congratulations! You’re dying beautifully. Keep it up.
4. If you are a stereotypically “fat an’ sassy” African-American woman, please realize that your aberrant level of health may be endangering the ability of others to be properly ostracized. It isn’t always about you.
5. If you are a diet company, be socially responsible by acting to redress the racial inequities. Consider recruiting a formerly “body-positive” African-American celebrity to act as your spokeswoman, for instance.

---

How many times has this happened to you? You meet a fat person, or encounter one on the internet, and when you try to helpfully explain their problems to them and maybe even give them an easy to implement solution, they interrupt you with a lot of really bad facts—often for no better reason than they happen to be true—that do nothing but confuse the issues?

Even the trained scienterrific professionals here at the Institute have encountered this problem. There’s no getting around it. When it comes to inconvenient, unfair, and contrary-to-popular-belief facts designed to take the wind out of your sails, nobody outdoes the Fat Acceptance crowd.

Fortunately, after many thin-person-hours of exhaustive research spent examining transcripts of hundreds of chatroom conversations and comment boards on celebrity news sites, we have determined the best strategy for dealing with this underhanded ploy.

As usual, prevention is the key. You have to shut down the counter-arguments before they start, and you can do that with five little words that are so effective that… well, the Institute must remind you that we are a highly scienterrific organization that doesn’t go in for mumbo-jumbo, especially the jumbo part. However, we cannot in good conscience describe these words as anything other than “magic” in their effects.

That’s right.

Five magic words.

“IT’S AS SIMPLE AS THAT”

Simply by attaching these words to the end of whatever you say, you win the argument before it begins. Let’s look at a few examples:

The Wrong Way!

• “If you eat right and exercise, you’ll be thin.”
• “Nobody finds large women attractive.”
• “Fat is unhealthy.”

If you phrase your highly cogent arguments in the fashion shown above, you had better be prepared to be met with a lot of studies and evidence and statistics and real-life examples which you will then have to ignore before you can move the conversation forward in a positive direction and make any progress towards fixing another fat person.

Who has the time?

Try this instead:

The Right Way!

• “If you eat right and exercise, you’ll be thin. It’s as simple as that.”
• “Nobody finds large women attractive. It’s as simple as that.”
• “Fat is unhealthy. It’s as simple as that.”

You see? Once you’ve established that “it” (being the matter under discussion) really is as simple as “that” (meaning, what you said), no further argument is possible. This technique has decisively won hundreds of thousands of arguments, both within the online world and beyond it.

Most importantly, it can save you all kinds of time in having to scroll past and ignore counter-arguments. This is key, since as a thin person with an exciting life, great career, and many fulfilling personal relationships*, your time is valuable.

In conclusion, it doesn’t matter what the studies, the research, or even the evidence of your own senses might tell you. Not when you’ve got the five magic words backing you up.

It’s as simple as that.

---

*Results not typical

We here at the Institute have received quite a number* of e-mail inquiries about our practice of posting summaries of articles that are already several months old as “News Briefs.” The explanation for this is quite simple.

As we were not around in, say, May of 2007, there’s no way that people could have correctly interpreted weight-related news reports that were issued at that time. There simply wasn’t any organization qualified to help them find the good facts.

It also helps us build an archive of useful information quickly, to show a public that’s always been skeptical about thinness that we’ve “got the goods”.

Finally, as it’s exceedingly unlikely that the media—which has done a tremendous job covering the whole Obesity Crisis—will find anything new to say on the subject of weight and health, referencing older articles may be the only way we get a chance to “weigh in”, so to speak. On the off chance that they do find a new angle to tackle, we’ll be sure to cover the breaking news, as well.

Thank you for reading, and remember: if you have any questions about how the Institute does business… any questions at all… please don’t hesitate to realize that you’re a bad person who will die alone.

---

*We’ve always felt that “one” is quite a number. Haven’t you?

---

CNN.com: “Woman Proves She’s Worth The Inverse Of Her Weight In Gold”

---

Article Highlights:

• Woman mysteriously gains weight as she ages, humiliating man.
• Daunting specter of shopping at specialty stores motivated a drastic life change.
• Woman, now size 2, accepted by husband and society.
• Given pretty diamond ring as symbol of their renewed marriage and her renewed worth.
• Conclusively proves that anybody can lose 110 pounds if they really want to*.

Steps To Take:

Men:

1. Before getting married, ask your prospective wife if she plans to choose to get fat.
2. Head off weight gain with helpful comments, like “Puttin’ on a little weight there, hon.” and “Whoa! Wide load.”
3. Remind your partner how her appearance reflects upon you.

Ladies:

1. Don’t be fat.

---

*Results not typical

Ever since the Institute first opened its cyber-doors way back in January of 2008, we’ve received almost three e-mails from literally two readers, some of whom doubtlessly wondered, “What all this talk about ‘good facts’ and ‘bad facts’? How can a fact be bad?”

We here at the Institute look at three simple criteria before judging whether a fact is good or not. They are:

1. Is it convenient?

2. Is it fair?
3. Does it agree with what everybody knows?

A so-called “fact” which is inconvenient or unfair, or challenges what you already know about the world, is hardly worthy of being called a “fact” in the first place. Bad facts such as these are to be avoided at all costs, and excluded from your mental diet.

Take, for instance, some of facts that have been splashed all over the internet lately, mostly at the chubby hands of the Fat Acceptance Movement:

The BMI standards were changed in 1998, making more people officially overweight and obese than would have been otherwise.

This statement is “true”, and thus it technically fulfills the definition of a fact. However, if we’re trying to talk about how dangerous the skyrocketing obesity rates are, this fact can only get in the way. It is therefore a bad fact.

Frequent dieting leads to long-term health risks.

This one is just plain unfair. Dieters are making the right choice. Nobody should be punished for doing what’s what right. Bad fact all the way.

A third fact:

There is less risk of excess mortality associated with being in the overweight category (if non-smoking) than in the underweight one.

That one is both highly inconvenient and downright unfair. People in the underweight category are thin. This means they are doing everything right with their lives. Any fact which suggests they may be harming themselves by doing so is a bad fact. Further, it conflicts with something that everybody knows: it is healthier to be skinny than to be overweight.

Therefore, this qualifies as a bad fact on all three criteria.

So, when you’re confronted by a fact about the Obesity Crisis, you now know how to recognize if it is bad.

Another important tip: while these bad facts are unfortunately a little bit on the true side, they are often touted as being “undeniably true.” That’s demonstrably wrong: when somebody tries to tell you one, just look at them and go “Nuh uh.” You have just denied a bad fact.

On the other hand, if you tell one hundred random people that you think it’s healthier to be skinny than to be even a little overweight, they will all agree without hesitation*. This is because good facts really are undeniably true.

And remember, while you can recognize some facts as being bad on the surface, the only sure way to know if a fact is good is if you get it from the Institute.

---

*Results not typical

Good Fact: It is exactly as easy to lose weight as it is to update a blog.

This good fact comes to us from a special correspondent, noted dietitian, and celebrated theologian by the name of “alx7958,” who also reminds us that there are no fat people in heaven. While such spiritual matters are normally beyond the purview of the Institute, it’s a healthy perspective to keep in mind.

We do not wish to moralize, but if you are reading this and you are fat, not only is your life extremely likely to end in death, but when it does you will go to hell and that is a tragedy because if you had only put as much effort into diet and exercise as you did into your blog you would be a thin person.

Why do 95%-98% of fat people who try to lose weight and keep it off end up failing, when doing so is obviously as easy as blogging? The answer should be obvious if you’ve seen any of the media attention being given to the so-called “fatosphere“: all those fat people are busy blogging instead.

This is, of course, utterly reprehensible. For a fat person to actually sit down—an activity, we might add, which involves their oversized rears—and do something in front of a screen for a while is a behavior that is emblematic of what is wrong with the overweight.

The link between sitting at a computer and being fat is indisputable. In a recent scienterrific experiment, we took twenty computers and sat five fat people and ten thin people down in front of them for two hours every day for thirty days. At the end of the experiment, all the fat participants were still fat and all the thin ones were still thin.

The conclusion is clear: computer usage, while having no detrimental effects on thin people, utterly prevents fat people from losing weight.

So, bloggers of the fatopshere: you know what you have to do to lose weight. Quit blogging. Use the time you would spend blogging exercising and eating a healthy diet just like the healthy people of past generations ate, only with no red meat, milk, bread, grains, sugary fruits and juices, or potatoes.

Do this and you will become thin… and, more importantlly… get into heaven*.

---

*Results not typical.

Milk: The Silent Killer

---

Many people are familiar with the well-known and very good fact that “white foods” such as rice, bread, and potatoes are extremely unhealthy for you. In scienterrific terms, this is because they contain “empty calories“, special calories that are chemically formulated to not provide you with any energy or sustenance but instead convert directly into fat.

The rough formula is that for every one pound of rice or pasta you eat, you will gain five pounds of fat. This is caused by chemistry.

Many people also know that the absolute worst thing you can do—worse than killing a million baby kittens on Christmas—is drinking your calories. Liquid calories such as the ones found in soda and juice are terribly unhealthy. It works like this: “calories” are actually units of heat energy. For any type of matter, the liquid state exists at a higher temperature than the solid state.

Therefore, liquid calories count double as compared to solid ones.

So, what do you get when you combine the dangers of a white food with liquid calories?

A tall frosty glass of death.

Or, as it’s more commonly known, MILK.

The link between milk and death has long been established. Consider that the first generation of Americans known to drink milk was also the first generation of Americans to suffer the heartbreak and indignity of mortality. This pattern has continued unabated through the ages, to the point where there are now over three hundred million people living in America and every one of them is expected to die at some point.

Can we rule out milk as a culprit? Dr. Noah Veidtfud, the Institute’s special consultant, tells us that we cannot:

“Milk is all around us. It’s found in everything from ice cream to cheese. It’s on our cereal. They give it out in the schools. We’re exposed to slick advertising campaigns where glamorous celebrities smile and ask kids if they’ve ‘Got milk?’ During the height of so-called ‘milk chic’, vulnerable teenagers actually collected these ads. Even more shocking, this toxic substance is so pervasive in our atmosphere that it’s even been found in many womens’ breasts. This can result in a very dangerous situation when those same women are also nursing, in which case milk may be unknowingly transmitted to an unprotected infant.”

Sounds shocking, doesn’t it? Consider this as well: even on relatively thin women, the breasts are usually the fattiest part of the body. Could there be a clearer indication of the milk/fat link than that?

Milk is also known to contain calcium, a substance which plays a role in petrification of dead plant and animal matter over geologic periods. It contains potassium, a substance with many radioactive isotopes. It contains selenium, an active ingredient in some dandruff shampoos. It contains magnesium, used for making explosive flares.

Milk is, to put it simply, a toxic cocktail. If you drink it, you will die.

Steps To Take

1. Instead of giving your child milk to pour over their cereal, give them a book or suggest they play outdoors.
2. Inspect all cheese-flavored products in your cupboards to ensure they contain no actual cheese.
3. Get involved in your local PTA and start a campaign to remove milk from the school lunch program. It’s hard for children to grow strong, healthy bones when they have to support a lot of extra fat.
4. Cancel all travel plans to Wisconsin and boycott all Wisconsin-based industries. Write letters to each one to explain your decision. Be sure to compare them to Nazis and the dairy industry to the Holocaust to make sure they get the point.
5. Above all else, do not nurse an infant if you believe your breasts contain milk. Instead, feed your child a wide variety of leafy green vegetables in as close to their raw, natural state as possible.

The above article has been certified as Nutri-Logically sound by The Health Institute of Nutrition’s Board of Scienterrific Excellence. Results not typical.