Wednesday, January 30th, 2008...4:12 pm
Hero Shuns Wife Into Acceptability
CNN.com: “Woman Proves She’s Worth The Inverse Of Her Weight In Gold”
Article Highlights:
- Woman mysteriously gains weight as she ages, humiliating man.
- Daunting specter of shopping at specialty stores motivated a drastic life change.
- Woman, now size 2, accepted by husband and society.
- Given pretty diamond ring as symbol of their renewed marriage and her renewed worth.
- Conclusively proves that anybody can lose 110 pounds if they really want to*.
Steps To Take:
Men:
- Before getting married, ask your prospective wife if she plans to choose to get fat.
- Head off weight gain with helpful comments, like “Puttin’ on a little weight there, hon.” and “Whoa! Wide load.”
- Remind your partner how her appearance reflects upon you.
Ladies:
- Don’t be fat.
*Results not typical
11 Comments
January 30th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
God, why are all the good guys like this woman’s husband already taken? My guy is one of those creeps who loves me no matter what. Guess I could try to change him by showing him your list THIN. Wish me luck, ya’ll.
January 30th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
An excellent list (particularly the one for the wives) which should be distributed to every couple before they marry, lest the man forget his duty to keep his wife on the straight and very narrow!
I may never have been a size two in my life, but if I had had a good man like the one you describe, I might never have ballooned up to a hideously huge size eight before I met him!
January 30th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Don’t be fat! I’m so glad someone finally told me!
January 30th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
What if we don’t have a partner to tell us “how wide our ass is getting”?
Do you think complete strangers would be kind enough to tell us instead? Do you think it would be just as effective?
January 31st, 2008 at 12:54 am
Thank you again for your insight, THIN! Remind me I need to tell my BF to get on my case about my weight so I can get all motivated and stuff! His stubborn, unhealthy insistence on thinking I’m hot at 200 pounds is only encouraging me to keep stuffing my face with baby donuts.
Another burning question: Should I call him out for disrespecting me with his (rather cute but probably Horribly Unhealthy) pot belly? Or is it different for men?
January 31st, 2008 at 2:15 pm
I see that Jay Leno of the Tonight Show gave similar advice on Tuesday’s show (Jan 29 2008). He gave the _hysterical_ story of a friend who was dating a young, thin woman who would go out to dinner with them and say “I’ll have half a split pea for dinner” or “I’ll have that leaf of lettuce please.” And then, and here is the punchline, at the wedding the friend says, “Jay, look over there, she’s eating meatballs.” And Jay looks and the new wife is downing meatballs like pez candy. And she kept eating meatballs until the divorce. (Audience claps and nods knowingly)
So, women, be sure not to start eating food at the marriage, because you are sure to get a divorce.
Bad Meatballs! Bad!
January 31st, 2008 at 2:40 pm
@ Kelly, I would like to remind you that your husband’s pot belly, while it might be unhealthy (since all fat is!), is not quite as bad as your fat, for just like men’s gray hair is “distinguished” you know that your gray hair is just “old.” Don’t you know that men and women’s bodies are different?
Still, if your husband is kind enough to help you lose weight by commenting on your ass, you might return the favor by helping his potbelly with similar help. It is our duty to help each other in marriage, after all.
January 31st, 2008 at 8:35 pm
Oh my god, I’ve ballooned to well over 227 pounds and I’m only her height (my husband is in serious trouble - I’m printing out copies of this to remind him of his duties.) What bothers me is that I’ve still managed to find clothes that I don’t have to “barely squeeze into” without even going online! How on earth can I convince the plus-sized clothing distributors in my area to close so that the hideous spectre of shopping online will shame me into losing 110 pounds (which I know now will “melt off” for anyone who bothers to try losing them)?
I remember reading a fact many times, that says losing more than 1 1/2 pounds per week is dangerous and unhealthy - I do hope you haven’t forgotten to put that on your list of “bad facts” THIN!
February 1st, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Thank you so much, Kim!
It’s so good to know that fat and gray are bad on women but at least semi-acceptable on men. I forget these things sometimes, hanging around the silly intart00bz “fatosphere,” where people spout the craziest notions about fat and feminism.
February 1st, 2008 at 5:35 pm
@Kelly:
Just a small service I am happy to perform.
We have to help each other.
Note, I must have been thinking of my own relationship since I wrote “husband” when you said “BF” but rest of comment still applies. After all, even Leno agrees.
Oh, and THIN, you are wonderful! Of course you are; our whole society knows that “thin is in”!
March 20th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
You forgot to add a few more helpful phrases for men, to help their wives realize they need to loose weight:
“Are you really going to eat THAT?”
“Why can’t you look more like her?! (in response to seeing a thin woman)”
“Remind her how luck she is to have you, because you’re the only one who’d marry her fat ass”
Leave a Reply