Wednesday, March 12th, 2008...7:45 am

Fat People Make Poor Genetic Choices

BBC News: “For Obese, Mistakes Begin At Conception”

Article Highlights:

  • In a study of 5,000 pairs of twins, scientists discovered that up to 77% of the poor moral decisions made that make people fat may be due to the genes they chose to be born with.
  • The fact that inalterable genetics account for a vastly higher percentage of a person’s weight than any other factor such as environment or lifestyle is no excuse for the obese to stop spending their lives trying to lose weight and keep it off because, like, it isn’t.
  • Not yet confirmed that “evil” twin is more likely to be fat.

Steps To Take

  1. Pick better parents.
  2. Examine your genes under an electron microscope. Use a centrifuge to separate out the heaviest ones and discard them.
  3. To maximize your odds of beneficial genetic mutation, try to be bitten by something both skinny and radioactive.
  4. If all else fails, consider reincarnation as a viable form of weight loss.

    6 Comments

    Filed under News Briefs

6 Comments

  • Mary Tracy9
    March 13th, 2008 at 2:33 pm

    I have just discovered this blog, and I wanted to say that you are HILARIOUS! Congratulations on your creativity and sense of humour!

  • eselle
    March 14th, 2008 at 3:27 pm

    I’m going to demand a different set of parents at once!

  • carpelogos
    March 14th, 2008 at 5:03 pm

    Have seen light, am clearly evil twin.
    Will research cheap source for twirly mustache.
    … But have lost several pounds of evil through all over muscle contractions caused by laughter.

  • Kay
    March 20th, 2008 at 9:09 pm

    aw man!

    *Now* ya tell me!

  • Bilt4Cmfrt
    March 23rd, 2008 at 1:41 pm

    . . . Thin. . . . Radio Activated. . . . Biting. . . Ok, I think I got it. -Wait. . . If it’s, like, a Cobra or something, I’m not gonna develop scales or a taste for eating live rodents am I? What about arms an legs? Do I get to keep those? . . . No, no, your right. Getting thin is worth ANY risk. Now. . . Where can I find a radio activated cobra?

  • Quiwi
    April 11th, 2008 at 8:14 am

    Hey, does anyone know if MeMe Roth is radioactive? Then again, I guess it wouldn’t really matter if she’s too disgusted by fat people to actually bite ‘em…

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