The Health Institute of Nutrition

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Elevator Etiquette

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Dear Institute:

I live in a hi-rise apartment building which has an elevator as well as stairs. I mention the stairs because apparently nobody ever told one of my fat neighbors about them. I got in the elevator to get up to my floor, and this huge guy gets in right behind me, like he’s never even heard of stairs, or something.

His arms were just full of groceries, too. I couldn’t see in the bags, but I just knew it was junk food and candy, because he’s fat. The sad thing is he had some stalks of celery sticking out of the top, like some kind of sad camouflage.

I wanted to tell him he’s not fooling anybody, but I was trying hard not to look at him. Anyway, my apartment was just on the second floor, so at least I didn’t have to put up with him for long.

What I’m wondering is, should I have said something about the stairs to him?

-Flatly Outraged in NY

Dear Flatly:

Yes, you should have. Elevator use is not a right, but a privilege. A “thin privilege”, if you will, which must be paid for through such things as a regular exercise program which anybody can plainly see you engage in just by looking at your body size.

As a thin person, you have obviously “paid your dues”, and so you may feel free to engage in the following activities without guilt or consequences:

• Using elevators, escalators, electric scooters, or (if required) wheelchairs.
• Driving to each individual store in a strip mall instead of walking from one to the next.
• Appearing in public in revealing clothing.
• Having a fulfilling, high-paying career and an active sex life.*
• Eating ice cream, candy, fast food, and other such “treats.”
• Not actually exercising.

According to the unspoken social contract, nobody will question your right to do these things, though any fat person who does will be greeted with suspicion and shame.

Unlike you, your upstairs neighbor has obviously not done anythiing to earn such privileges as elevator use. Here’s what you should do, should the same situation arise again:

1. Consider the possibility that he may in fact not be aware of the existence of stairs. Ask him: “Haven’t you ever heard of stairs?” If he answers in the negative, explain the concept to him, and—on the off chance that you actually know where they’re located—give him detailed directions.
2. If it turns out that he does, in fact, know of stairs, then it may be that he has the wrong idea about them. Put his mind at rest like so: “Hey, buddy… it won’t kill you to take the stairs every once in a while, you know.”
3. If he remains unconvinced, inform him that “Stairs won’t kill you, but a heart attack will.” Chances are that he is unaware of the current scienterrific thought which states that fat people die of heart attacks, or else he would have stopped being fat.

There are further steps which you could take, but as you’ve stated your apartment is only one floor up, this is probably as far as you’ll be able to get. Regardless, though, pat yourself on the back and treat yourself to your favorite snack as you kick back and relax in the comfort of your apartment.

You’re thin.

You’ve earned it.

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*Results not typical