The Health Institute of Nutrition

The BMI, or Body Mass Index, is an oft-misunderstood concept in the scienterrific community.

The number one misconception we must address about the BMI is the mistaken notion that this simple number somehow determines how much an individual is worth as a person, his or her value to society, and overall fitness as a human being.

This is simply not true, and we must do everything that we can to banish this all-prevailing myth from our consciousness if we are to understand the BMI and how to apply it correctly.

What it actually measures is how little an individual is worth.

Higher is bad, people.

Now that this has been established, let’s talk about some facts.

It is by no means an exaggeration to say that the BMI represents the single greatest leap forward for the art of scienterrific diagnostication since the invention of phrenology. Future generations will speak of it in the same tones as they will the theory of four humours.

With just two statistics—height and weight—a physician can determine who is healthy and who is not. Everything about you as an individual—your exercise habits, eating patterns, lifestyle, and general moral rectitude—is laid bare with a single table.

It works like this: imagine for a moment that you are 5′10″ and weigh 173 pounds. You have a Body Mass Index of 24.9, which falls within the normal range. Good! Now imagine instead that you weigh 174 pounds. At a Body Mass Index of 25, you are overweight. Thus, you are an unsightly burden on society, you lazy, stupid cow. You are also going to die of complications from diabetes and heart disease.

God help you* if you weigh 209 pounds. At a BMI of 30, you are obese, and little better than a criminal.

The value of such a useful tool for sorting people should be readily apparent to everybody, but there are a lot of bad facts about the BMI out there. They include the following:

1. The ranges for each category are arbitrary and in fact have been changed in the recent past.
2. The BMI is a poor indicator of overall health.
3. As it measures mass rather than composition, it makes no allowance for muscle, which is heavier than fat. Thus, many professional athletes are “obese” according to the BMI.

While each of these “facts” may be “true” on a strictly empirical level, they are not convenient or fair, and they conflict with what we already know to be true. Thus, they should be ignored. Of course, it’s good to have a strategy to deal with them. Here’s a specific rebuttal for each one:

1. Uh, so?
2. No… no. It isn’t. No.
3. Are you saying that athletes aren’t healthy? Because if you are, then you’re crazy.

Also, keep in mind this all-purpose refutation:

• You’re just saying that because you’re fat

This one is key. It doesn’t matter how true something is if somebody’s only saying it because they’re fat.

Now, even armed with these rebuttals, you may find yourself in a situation where you’re faced with somebody armed with so many bad facts that you cannot find a way to avoid conceding that the BMI is flawed.

If this happens, do not panic. Simply say the following:

“But I think we can all agree that a BMI of (25/27/30) is not healthy.”

It does not matter what has just been said or what you’ve previously admitted… since you agreed with something, the only reasonable thing for your BMI-bashing opponent to do in this case is agree with you in turn.

It’s as simple as that.

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*Note: God does not actually help fat people.