Wednesday, January 30th, 2008...9:21 am
Good Fact Alert!
Good Fact: It is exactly as easy to lose weight as it is to update a blog.
This good fact comes to us from a special correspondent, noted dietitian, and celebrated theologian by the name of “alx7958,” who also reminds us that there are no fat people in heaven. While such spiritual matters are normally beyond the purview of the Institute, it’s a healthy perspective to keep in mind.
We do not wish to moralize, but if you are reading this and you are fat, not only is your life extremely likely to end in death, but when it does you will go to hell and that is a tragedy because if you had only put as much effort into diet and exercise as you did into your blog you would be a thin person.
Why do 95%-98% of fat people who try to lose weight and keep it off end up failing, when doing so is obviously as easy as blogging? The answer should be obvious if you’ve seen any of the media attention being given to the so-called “fatosphere“: all those fat people are busy blogging instead.
This is, of course, utterly reprehensible. For a fat person to actually sit down—an activity, we might add, which involves their oversized rears—and do something in front of a screen for a while is a behavior that is emblematic of what is wrong with the overweight.
The link between sitting at a computer and being fat is indisputable. In a recent scienterrific experiment, we took twenty computers and sat five fat people and ten thin people down in front of them for two hours every day for thirty days. At the end of the experiment, all the fat participants were still fat and all the thin ones were still thin.
The conclusion is clear: computer usage, while having no detrimental effects on thin people, utterly prevents fat people from losing weight.
So, bloggers of the fatopshere: you know what you have to do to lose weight. Quit blogging. Use the time you would spend blogging exercising and eating a healthy diet just like the healthy people of past generations ate, only with no red meat, milk, bread, grains, sugary fruits and juices, or potatoes.
Do this and you will become thin… and, more importantlly… get into heaven*.
*Results not typical.
7 Comments
January 30th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Thank you so much, THIN! Thanks to you, I’ve finally seen the light.
When I was in high school, I didn’t blog, and I wore a size 10. Now that I’m thirty, I blog all the time, and i wear a 16! There must be a connection!
Rumors that there were not actually blogs in the early nineties are merely a lie perpetrated by the fast food industry.
January 30th, 2008 at 10:59 am
I knew it! When I was 10 years old back in the early 80s, I never used a computer. Now that I’m in my 30s, I use computers all the time, and I weigh more now than I did when I was 10! It must be the computers!
January 30th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
What if we stand up while blogging?
Never!
January 30th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
I KNEW IT! I KNEW there had to be correlation between computers and my weight!
I’ve been using computers since 1978, and have gone through a variety of sizes… all the way from a child’s size 8 to a woman’s size 18 in the course of thirty years! I did gain weight .. but I also grew taller!
Why am I not getting taller now? Is there a special code that I’m suppose to put into my blog for an extra three inches of height? Really, I just want three inches..
January 30th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
The Institute regrets to inform you, oriencor, but height—unlike, say, weight or sexual orientation—is not a result of lifestyle choices, but rather merely more one facet of the nearly infintie variety of shapes that thin bodies come in.
Narrowly acceptable diversity: it’s the spice of life.
February 11th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Weighing in, so to speak, late on this, but St. Thomas Aquinas is known to have been fat, St. Francis de Sales is reputed to have been a fat man, and relics of St. Anthony of Padua, such as a preserved size extra-extra-large habit, suggest that he was also quite fat. And getting into heaven is a key part of the whole sainthood package.
Obviously, somebody hasn’t gotten the memo here.
April 9th, 2008 at 5:55 am
LoL about the test, where you sat fat people in front of a computer and thin people, and nobody changed weight. You would think the scienterrfic studies, would’ve had predicted that the thin people would become fat, eh?
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