Monday, February 4th, 2008...12:00 am
Dr. J Asks: Do Obese Litter More?
Dr. J, a regular contributor at CalorieLabs.com, the same site which broke the important news stories that Disney wants your kids to grow up fat and that you can join MediFast NOW and get two weeks of MediFast food free, poses an interesting question in a recent post:
Do obese people litter more?
The answer, of course, is yes.
In a highly scienterrific research program, Dr. J regularly jogged along the side of a road. While doing so, he noticed that most of the non-cigarette-related litter seemed to come from fast food restaurants. Little or none of the roadside waste was found to consist of nutritious homecooked meals or food containers from the drive-up windows of organic health food stores or four-star restaurants.
Scienterrifically speaking, everybody knows that fat people eat nothing but fast food and that eating fast food will, in fact, make you fat. Ergo, fast food is only eaten by fat people*.
Therefore, the only logical conclusion to be drawn from the amount of fast-food-related roadside litter is that fat people hate the environment as much as they hate themselves.
*The Institute stresses that if you do see a thin person eating fast food, you should conclude from their ongoing thinness that they must not do it very often and that they make it up at the gym.
9 Comments
February 4th, 2008 at 4:03 am
If you read more of Dr. J’s postings, he claims, among other things, that fat men have small penises:
“So to get to the nuts and bolts of it all, the thing is, your penis may shrink and not function sexually when you become obese! Are you OK? Hello? Back now? It’s like this: all the extra estrogen — yes I know we are the testosteroned ones, but all the extra estrogen that is made and also stored in fat will, get ready, make Mr. Happy go bye-bye!
You can call it fat-related andropause if that sounds more medical. And do you know what else? It’s never fair is it? It may or may not come back if you lose the weight! Yup, gone, see ya, not even later, just gone!
Have you noticed this, if by chance you are overweight? Sure, you think it’s the little bit of fat just covering it up a bit. Sorry! It’s going on a long vacation, a very long vacation. I know I’m hitting below the belt here, but I’m really disappointed with men not being in better shape.”
And I always thought it was because I’m Jewish.
But seriously, he is the kind of bullying @$$wipe that is in serious need of ridicule. Thanks Health Institute!
February 4th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Oh dear. I am certain my friend will be shocked to discover that her overweight husband could not have fathered her four children.
Maybe it was alien visitations.
February 4th, 2008 at 10:07 am
OH, that’s not the HALF of it! Remember that, because fat people weigh more, modes of transportation like airplanes, cars, and buses have to use more gasoline! Because fat people only eat fast food, and because fast food is made of cows that graze where the Brazilian rainforests once stood, we have less oxygen on this planet. And because fat people eat foods that are “aerated,” like Twinkies and ice cream, they must by default fart more–hello, methane gas! I think it’s easy to see that fat people are the real cause of global warming.
February 4th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Yes, and cigarettes are associated with weight loss! Who needs to lose weight? Fat people. So the cigarette butts are probably their fault too.
February 4th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
I have further scienterrific evidence of the link between fat and littering. Just yesterday, a fat teenager was walking in my neighborhood with a thin teenager. As hard as I tried to point out to the slender youth that he might catch fat from hanging around with that fat fatty, he ignored me. I was only thinking of the childrenz!!
Anyway, the pair rewarded me for my civic concern by THROWING FAST FOOD WRAPPERS AT ME IN A BLATENT ATTEMPT TO MAKE ME CATCH TEH FAT!!!
I swear that by the time they reached the corner and I blindly clawed at the Big Mac wrappers from my face, the thin boy had gained at least two inches on his waist.
February 4th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
What I find disturbing are the large numbers of empty water bottles mixed in with the fast food wrappers and drink cups. Is this some strange attempt at camoflage? Are they trying to fool the rest of us into thinking that litterbugs come in all sizes?
February 4th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
The easiest solution is to arrest these fatties and then make them pick up their litter. Then they’d be getting exercise, AND be taken (for the most part, except when they’re picking up the litter from their binges) out of the public eye.
I think you all are too easy on the fatties. I mean, Twistie, why did you get close to those teens, or even look at the fat one? Didn’t you know that he was setting a bad example for you? And I hope (if you have kids) none of them were around. If they were, I’d have them skip a couple of lunches this week. You know, just to be sure.
Thanks again for keeping those fatties on their toes, THIN!
February 4th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Is it just me, or does Dr. J’s sentence about MeMe being an “anti-childhood obesity messenger” read like she’s an obesity messenger who is anti-childhood? Which we all know is anti-true because MeMe is totally in favor of thin children living happy, carefree lives, right?
February 5th, 2008 at 12:07 am
Wow, what a scienterrific post by Dr. J! It makes total sense. No thin person eats junk food (and if they do, it’s because they totally deserve it for being thin), so it HAS to be the fatties littering. For example, I don’t recall ever littering in my life, but I’m probably doing it unconsciously while I’m stuffing a double-cheeseburger down my throat.
If I wasn’t such a self-hating fattie, I would think that every post in Calorie Labs is vile, sensationalist, and idiotic. Fortunately for me, I can enjoy the benefits of being ashamed of myself such as decreased health and the ability to appreciate websites just like these ones.
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