Wednesday, January 30th, 2008...3:26 am
Food To Avoid: Milk
Milk: The Silent Killer
Many people are familiar with the well-known and very good fact that “white foods” such as rice, bread, and potatoes are extremely unhealthy for you. In scienterrific terms, this is because they contain “empty calories“, special calories that are chemically formulated to not provide you with any energy or sustenance but instead convert directly into fat.
The rough formula is that for every one pound of rice or pasta you eat, you will gain five pounds of fat. This is caused by chemistry.
Many people also know that the absolute worst thing you can do—worse than killing a million baby kittens on Christmas—is drinking your calories. Liquid calories such as the ones found in soda and juice are terribly unhealthy. It works like this: “calories” are actually units of heat energy. For any type of matter, the liquid state exists at a higher temperature than the solid state.
Therefore, liquid calories count double as compared to solid ones.
So, what do you get when you combine the dangers of a white food with liquid calories?
A tall frosty glass of death.
Or, as it’s more commonly known, MILK.
The link between milk and death has long been established. Consider that the first generation of Americans known to drink milk was also the first generation of Americans to suffer the heartbreak and indignity of mortality. This pattern has continued unabated through the ages, to the point where there are now over three hundred million people living in America and every one of them is expected to die at some point.
Can we rule out milk as a culprit? Dr. Noah Veidtfud, the Institute’s special consultant, tells us that we cannot:
“Milk is all around us. It’s found in everything from ice cream to cheese. It’s on our cereal. They give it out in the schools. We’re exposed to slick advertising campaigns where glamorous celebrities smile and ask kids if they’ve ‘Got milk?’ During the height of so-called ‘milk chic’, vulnerable teenagers actually collected these ads. Even more shocking, this toxic substance is so pervasive in our atmosphere that it’s even been found in many womens’ breasts. This can result in a very dangerous situation when those same women are also nursing, in which case milk may be unknowingly transmitted to an unprotected infant.”
Sounds shocking, doesn’t it? Consider this as well: even on relatively thin women, the breasts are usually the fattiest part of the body. Could there be a clearer indication of the milk/fat link than that?
Milk is also known to contain calcium, a substance which plays a role in petrification of dead plant and animal matter over geologic periods. It contains potassium, a substance with many radioactive isotopes. It contains selenium, an active ingredient in some dandruff shampoos. It contains magnesium, used for making explosive flares.
Milk is, to put it simply, a toxic cocktail. If you drink it, you will die.
Steps To Take
- Instead of giving your child milk to pour over their cereal, give them a book or suggest they play outdoors.
- Inspect all cheese-flavored products in your cupboards to ensure they contain no actual cheese.
- Get involved in your local PTA and start a campaign to remove milk from the school lunch program. It’s hard for children to grow strong, healthy bones when they have to support a lot of extra fat.
- Cancel all travel plans to Wisconsin and boycott all Wisconsin-based industries. Write letters to each one to explain your decision. Be sure to compare them to Nazis and the dairy industry to the Holocaust to make sure they get the point.
- Above all else, do not nurse an infant if you believe your breasts contain milk. Instead, feed your child a wide variety of leafy green vegetables in as close to their raw, natural state as possible.
The above article has been certified as Nutri-Logically sound by The Health Institute of Nutrition’s Board of Scienterrific Excellence. Results not typical.
14 Comments
January 30th, 2008 at 9:19 am
Sadly… I’ve actually heard that argument against milk before, particularly from PETA. I read once on their site that adult cats never given cows’ milk detest it and that it’s wholely unnatural to drink. Yeah, right.
Milk: Drunk for millenia. I highly doubt it’s just been biding it’s time, suddenly making people fat *now* as part of some sort of planned attack. Milk: Smarter than you think.
January 30th, 2008 at 10:54 am
It’s very true!!! I killed a million baby kittens this last Christmas day, and DID NOT GAIN A SINGLE OUNCE!
The very next day, I succumbed to the powerful FA lobby and tasted a teaspoonful of milk, and I DID NOT LOSE A SINGLE POUND THAT DAY!!!
Clearly killing kittens (an intense form of exercise that works out all the muscles) is a far better way of losing excess, horrible, hideous fat than drinking - as you so elegantly and correctly put it - a tall, frosty glass of death.
Thank you, THIN, for proving this so logically.
January 30th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Thank goodness for the wisdom of Dr. Noah Veidtfud. I was breastfed as a child, and now I am fat. It’s a fact!
January 31st, 2008 at 2:28 am
Good gravy, I thought dihydrogen monoxide was the only dangerous liquid in my refrigerator. I never realized that milk came from breasts and breasts are fatty, so of course milk makes you fat!
(and being totally serious “adult cats never given cows’ milk detest it and that it’s wholly unnatural to drink” is actually true. All non-human (and most human) mammals become unable to digest lactose, a major component of milk, after weaning. You have to carry a mutation to be adult lactose tolerant. Butter and aged cheese are low in lactose, though - and non-white solids to boot!)
January 31st, 2008 at 11:48 am
Regarding step 1: “Instead of giving your child milk to pour over their cereal, give them a book or suggest they play outdoors” — Giving your child a book is encouraging him/her to sit down. Sitting down is scienterrifically proven to cause fat. (see “Good Fact Alert” on this very site.)
I know you didn’t mean to advise mothers to put their children in harm’s way.
Please bring this egregious error to the attention of the Board of Excellence.
Thank you!
January 31st, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Thank God I found your site before giving birth to my second child. I really was planning to nurse my baby, but I’m almost sure my breasts will be just full of deadly milk. (That’s what happened last time!) I’ll get to work pureeing kale.
January 31st, 2008 at 3:20 pm
@Peggy: I’m a mutant! I always knew it was true.
February 2nd, 2008 at 4:53 am
[…] this: Many people are familiar with the well-known and very good fact that “white foods” such as […]
February 2nd, 2008 at 10:28 am
And here i though empty colories were those that came from hollow foods like bell pepper! After all, what do I know- I’m only a fattie!
I hope as soon as I get an education that I will be thin to reflect my education!
February 2nd, 2008 at 4:02 pm
No, no, books are OK. Books are educational, and they make your brain think. Thus they burn calories and cancel out the “sitting down” effect*.
TV and computers are the devil’s tools though, especially for children.
* unless the child is already fat, in which case they should never be allowed to sit down.
February 2nd, 2008 at 7:09 pm
[…] a segment purportedly on fat acceptance with tips on how not to get fat - specifically, avoid “white foods” and don’t drink your calories. And of course, we also heard from […]
February 4th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
The most disturbing thing about this site is that somewhere someone out there will actually believe this stuff and take it to heart. I await the first citation of this as a resource with great anticipation.
February 9th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Isn’t milk also largely composed of dihydrogen monoxide, the substance that was responsible for Hurricane Katrina and is used in some methods of torture?
Protect the children! Now!!!
February 11th, 2008 at 12:32 am
What about choclate milk? It’s not white.
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