Tuesday, January 29th, 2008...7:13 am
Food To Avoid: Potatoes
Potatoes: The Silent Killer
Would you let your child eat an explosive device? Probably not. If your child cracked open a battery and consumed the contents, you would probably call poison control.
Yet if your child ate a potato, would you even think twice?
Think about it: thousands of children and college students across the country have enjoyed blowing up potatoes in microwaves. Chemical energy stored within them is used in elementary school science experiments to power clocks and other small electronic devices.
That chemical energy? It’s called starch. Starch is a carbohydrate, a word which comes to us from Greek. Note the presence of the word “hydra” in the middle there. In Greek myth, the hydra was a dragon-like serpent with multiple heads who could not be killed. This is all you have to know about carbohydrates.
Some people will tell you that starch is healthier than sugar, but in fact, your body will naturally break starch down into sugar. That’s right. You can avoid sugar your whole life and be killed by the sugar which you get from starch.
Insidious.
Here’s a good fact: a nationwide dependence on potatoes as a food source in Ireland directly led to one million deaths between 1845 and 1849 and led to many more grossly obese people fleeing the country for the distant, then-healthy shores of America.
Unfortunately, these new “Irish-Americans” brought their fondness for potatoes and godless idolatry with them. For years, America was able to keep obesity at bay through discriminatory hiring practices and the occasional pogrom, but Ireland’s deadly little secret is now firmly entrenched in our national eating habits. These are the same potatoes we use today in everything from French fries to potato chips to baked potatoes to cream of potato soup.
Potatoes, when used in conjunction with combustible materials and an airtight tube, can be turned into deadly projectiles. States such as Texas, New York, and California already have laws on their books dealing with the use of potatoes as a weapon but not one state or city in the country regulates the use of this deadly root as a food.
Stop and think about that. This is something that we know is dangerous—so dangerous that we have to pass laws to keep it from being used as a weapon—yet we allow ourselves and our children to eat them?
A potato is a deadly projectile, just like a bullet. If you serve your children potatoes, you are putting a bullet in their mouths.
Steps To Take
- Go to your freezer and take out all frozen tater tots, french fries, hash browns, and other potato products. Dispose of them by burning so as not to poison the ecosystem.
- Cancel all travel plans to Idaho and boycott all Idaho-based industries. Write letters to each one to explain your decision. Be sure to compare them to Nazis and the potato industry to the Holocaust to make sure they get the point.
- When your server in a restaurant asks if you’d like a baked potato or french fries for your side, press assault charges or else they will never learn.
- Write to your legislators and urge them to pass laws banning Irish immigrants from our shores.
- Potatoes can be tricky. Did you know that traditional Russian vodka is made from potatoes? Check the label of all your vodka bottles carefully. If it’s distilled from whole grains, it is safe to drink. If it’s genuine potato vodka, dispose of it and call your doctor.
The above article has been certified as Nutri-Logically sound by The Health Institute of Nutrition’s Board of Scienterrific Excellence. Results not typical.
17 Comments
January 29th, 2008 at 8:17 am
Thank you Institute! It is such a relief, not having to think for myself about food anymore! The pressure of having to come up with my own thoughts has kept me from many productive activities in my personal and working life. Now I can just come to your marvelous site, and read up on all the important food facts that I need for a healthy and most importantly *thin* life! Thank you for all the hard work your experts put into providing clueless lemm^h^h^h people like me with the good facts!
January 29th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Let us not forget that the infamous potato has been used to power clocks — so it can serve as its own timer, thus making it even more deadly than better known terrorist weapons such as C4.
January 29th, 2008 at 10:04 am
You know, I’m not a fan of the potato. In fact, I have always been a little suspicious of the spuds. Sure, they look all harmless, like little brown lumps. But then they grow EYES. I mean, what the hell kind of root has EYES?!
January 29th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Don’t forget that potatoes can be infected with blight. Consider the effect on a neighbourhood if this gets loose.
Planning blight can knock tens of thousands of the value of your home.
Don’t risk it! Don’t grow potatoes in your garden.
January 29th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Excellent, scienterrific article. But, in what I can only assume is an oversight, you refer to the deadly potato as a “root”. It is technically a “tuber”. This sounds like “tumor”, which readers should keep in mind when contemplating, these white, eye-filled horrors.
January 29th, 2008 at 11:22 am
That fact does not sound like it came from the Institute.
January 29th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
My dad is in our state legislature and a couple of years ago there was a bill to make a certain onion the state vegetable. Well it made it through the House, but when it got to the Senate, the potato lobby objected … they wanted the potato to be the state vegetable! It didn’t pass in the Senate. Thankfully the bill was reintroduced the following year and the onion bill passed both houses… the potato lobby was beaten down (mashed?).
Our state managed to avoid the potato’s stranglehold, make sure your state does, too!
January 29th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
It’s high time someone stood up to the insidious potato! Far from remaining an ‘innocent’ vegetable, they are spreading, intermingling with our human population to create the disgusting hybrid, the Couch Potato. Half sofa, half blubber, half potato, these revolting creatures have reach epidemic levels.
Be Brave! Speak out against potatoes everywhere! But remember, their eyes are on you. Protect yourself with projectile celery.
January 29th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Oh, my! You’re right! I didn’t learn that from the Institute. I was brainwashed into believing that the potato was a tuber (and not a root) by my high school biology teacher. And we all know just how lax those Catholic high schools are about issues related to the control of bodily urges such as eating. This brainwashing was reinforced by a biology professor at a major research university. Which just goes to show how out of touch with reality those elitist, ivory-tower living academics are. Thank you Institute for pointing out the misinformation given me by those who have not been fully instructed in nutri-logic and the scienterrific method.
January 29th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
LoL. The part about the chemical energy stored in the potatoes, reminds me of a Rocko’s Modern Life episode. The one where Rocko, Filburt & Heffer were in high school. Since Heffer ate the potato, they couldn’t do the science project where you light a bulb with a potato.
So they have Heffer eat a ton of potatos from the school kitchen, and then they put a lightbulb in Heffer’s mouth when they were in the science class for the experiment. Heffer lit the bulb so bright it knocked the power out of the school, and created a huge beam of light that shot to the moon I think. LoL
January 29th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
I’m mostly Irish. I love potatoes a lot. Is there hope for me?
I often eat whole baked potatoes! I know, it’s awful. But I can’t resist. I’ve tried. And failed. Every time I go to the store, I have to buy potatoes. And then I eat them. Sometimes I eat a whole baked potato–skin and everything!
Damned Irish. Well, at least I’m still thin, I guess. But even that isn’t much of a consolation.
January 29th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Even more insidious, potatoes are actually stems masquerading as roots. If that’s not evil, I don’t know what is. We’re on to you, potatoes.
January 29th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Potatoes are seething with evil. Just look at the name! There’s “po,” and do you know what what else has “po” in it? Pot (as in marijuana, say no to drugs…and to food)! Pol Pot (double the fun) and poo. “Tat” rhymes with ate, and it looks too much like tit. Then there’s “to.” We all know toes are smelly! See? Seething.
And Margaret, if you’re in America, I suggest you do this country a favor and report to INS and demand to be deported. You being thin may redeem you by some, but there’s the fact that the Irish brought the evil potatoes. The Thin Institute said so, so it must be true! And your obvious obsession with potatoes is just more incriminating. If you’re not in America, well then I don’t care and someone else from your country can demand that you deport yourself.
January 30th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
okay, so potatoes are evil… but can they hold a candle, in terms of sheer evilness, to cupcakes??
nothing is more dangerous than a cupcake. if MeMe says it’s true, it has to be! she’s a professional… go-on-TV person!
January 31st, 2008 at 3:28 pm
But 2008 is International Year of the Potato. I’m having head splody!
(love the site BTW, aweXome)
February 7th, 2008 at 9:30 am
[…] fat-free and sugar-free diet foods promoted as “healthy,” while a natural and simple potato is demonized. “These results do not mean that a child with a high complement of […]
March 4th, 2008 at 5:47 am
Love your site.
I always follow your advice… However, at a restaurant last Friday, I was offered (by my server) baked potato, french fries, or rice with my meal. I took your advice and promptly called the police. I didn’t think he (the server) would actually be arrested for assault but the police found that the server had an outstanding warrant for his arrest. They took him out in handcuffs and he spent the weekend in the county correctional facility. I was very sad to hear that he had been severely beaten an sexually assaulted while in jail over the weekend. I still will follow your advice in the future, but not when involves having people arrested. Thanks for allowing me to offer my input. Helen
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